The Wedding Troll

The air is a-flurry with tulle and sparkly pearlescent fabric, excited noise buzzes through the crowd with a fevered intensity, the swoosh of fabric is constantly rustling by, and not so gentle sobbing can be heard behind the thin gray walls of a partitioned dressing room. Welcome to a bridal store, a land of dreams dashed against sharp, pointy rocks.
Brides enter excitedly, just darned sure that they will come across the perfect a-line, princess cut, ball gown, strapless, sweetheart neckline, antique lace and mother of pearl inset gown that they've dreamed of since The Little Mermaid came out on VHS. Most tow in a bevy of non-marrying women that range from the cynical spinster sister to the hung over college best friend that keeps complaining that all this white is making her itch. They bring the ooohers and the aaaahhers and a not-so-subtle bitter friend to be honest and tell them they look like a Vienna sausage dressed up for the Opera. 5 hissy fits, 2 tampons, and 3 emergency bulimia sessions later, we've found a winner, Vanna! The bride finds the gown that only needs a minor three grand and ten feet of fabric in alterations provided that she doesn't gain the liquor and cake weight that makes that honeymoon bikini really a honeyMOON for all of Cancun. Now it's off to the register with a stop along the way to reserve a place in the Welfare line. Maybe this is all a scheme concocted by those crazy Rooseveltian Socialists and Walt Disney to make the U.S. a Welfare state after all, but I digress. With alterations and shipping, the total comes to a measly 4500.00. Chump change, really. Just to think, Mom has been clearing out room to max out her credit cards for years for her little girl's big day. Everyone lives happily ever after, the bride gains the weight and has to be pinned in her dress, the bridesmaids get toasted and show everyone their supportive undergarments, Dad cries in the corner whilst tossing his 401k withdrawl receipt into the impressive fire fountain at the head table, and the groom tries to hide the hickey with makeup the maid of honor gave him before she left his room this morning.
Is it possible that I'm just a tad cynical on the issue? All the weddings I've been to have either been lovely or unique, never both though, and I've truly not been given a reason to detest the things so. Somewhere deep inside me lives a wedding troll that eats all the sweet, lacy little bride goats that try to cross the bridge to the greener grass. Now that it's time to plan mine, I need to tame the troll. Or at least get the thing something to play with (mean kittens, rotten children, Nancy Pelosi, etc...) to entertain itself in the meantime.
My biggest hang-up is the idea that all this money gets dished out for one silly day. Literally millions of dollars are thrown into a wedding industry that manipulatively pulls in young women into a sticky white satin and Svaroski crystal interlaced web before it pulverizes their insides and sucks the life right on out. Why is it necessary to give favors to guests? Aren't they there to give you presents? Why is it necessary to assign seats? I'm an OCD teacher (the only people on the planet who should be allowed to assign seats) and even I have no desire for that. When did a wedding become a momentous celebration of micromanaging and overspending? When did the American woman become so convinced that she needed a contrived, ubiquitous, and expensive as hell ceremony to be called a bride? Whatever happened to the backyard wedding and tin cans tied on the getaway car? I could genuinely go into a manifesto here about entitlement, the Disney complex, and the huge dearth of personal responsibility in my generation of particularly women, but I won't. Mostly because I'd tick off some people that I may need on my side.
I don't want to be expected to have place cards, and save the dates, and a dress worth more than my car in order to have a "great" wedding. My theory on life is that Grace and Mercy are the two things we don't deserve, that we can't work towards, but we should freely ask of anyway. Everything else should be worked for. Family, a home, material possessions and overall happiness are the result of hard work, hard prayer, and moderation. If it comes time for a wedding and you don't have the cash, there is no law that says you deserve it anyway. No one should have to go out of their way to pay for the dream that you can't afford. Our parents raise us, they shouldn't be liable for a balloon payment at the end of the contract, nor should we be asking our husband-to-be's family to pitch in where the missing links are. In most cases with marrying young women, we deserve what we can afford. I work hard, but I haven't saved anything because of circumstances beyond my control, but none of that entitles me to a wedding for which someone else will have to pay. That's a tough pill to swallow, but it's the truth.
So what's a poor girl to do? I'm still working on that, but it won't involve a bridal store, a credit card, a 401k, or a bank loan. It will involve, however, being gracious enough to receive help, humble enough to remember my roots, and smart enough to remember that it's the marriage that counts, not the wedding.

And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs...

A riddle: A certain scientist, Dr. Howell, was approached by a colleague regarding a seemingly ancient cave painting in rural France. Upon inquiry, the colleague tells Dr. Howell that the paintings are only recently uncovered by him and his team, and he would like to buy the land from the poor farmer and then turn a huge profit from the tourist revenue. The colleague then asked Dr. Howell if he wanted in on the deal. Dr. Howell demands pictures of the site. A few days go by, and Dr. Howell finally receives said pictures in the mail. They are vivid red and yellow with ancient looking traces of soot and ash. They depict a human figure fighting a woolly rhinoceros and a carnivorous looking dinosaur. Dr. Howell immediately turns down the offer to buy in on the farm and calls his colleague a scam artist. How did Dr. Howell so quickly know they were fake?

Answer: Humans and dinosaurs didn't exist at the same time, and before 1900 civilization had no real grasp of dinosaurs, much less accurate knowledge of what they looked like.

My kids were astounded by this answer and demanded a recount. Humans and dinosaurs did exist simultaneously they insisted! I sat back confounded as they regaled me about Adam and Eve fighting dinosaurs, plesiosaurs swimming aside the Ark, and a motley crue of prehistoric mammals that sound like Ray Romano and Dennis Leary helping a mother T-Rex and her babies get back under the ice! I wondered to myself if these kids were being funny or being serious as a raptor attack! Turns out, it was a raptor attack. No science class, no history class, no well meaning teacher who had to leave a movie for a sub had explained pre-history to these children. They had lived entire lives believing that cave men ate brontosaurus for breakfast and got eaten by T-Rexs like that guy in the porta potty in Jurassic Park. I did what I could to compress 200 million years of history into about 200 seconds. Dinosaurs, big boom, furry things survive, mammals (not named Scrat), homo ergastr, homo heidelbergensis, humans. I avoided that "E" word because I like my job and we continued on with class.

As most teachers do, when lunch arrived I went to go wax poetic about my darlings in the teacher's lounge. I began my anecdote about my kids' ignorance when suddenly, I was stopped cold by a science teacher. She graciously informed me that the in the school district in which I currently work, geological time is not taught at any level by any one. She said dinosaurs were too controversial, and she would be fired on the spot for such blaspheming. Really? Really, really? So these children are PURPOSEFULLY left in ignorance?

I'm a Christian through and through. I believe the Bible is God's true word, Jesus Christ is my savior, my Father, and my best friend. I believe that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. I don't put barriers or boundaries on what my God can do, nor what he has done. I don't for a second believe that I know history as is really happened, nor do I think the Bible is a literal document. The Jews have been using numerology since before the time of Christ. 40 years in the desert meant to the Hebrew speaking world "a really freaking long time." Why must modern Christians believe that they are entitled to know exactly what happened in the beginning of time and everything since then? Why is it so hard to accept that maybe things didn't happen exactly as we have it translated in the NIV bible? Why can't we see that time is a construct of man? Why can't we admit that God in all in all his sovereignty does not operate on our time or within our boundaries? Why does the Bible need to be perfectly literal? Like all great pieces of literature, it contains allegories, metaphors, symbols, deep seated themes, and mysteries. Great authors never come right out and tell you, they use their art to communicate in a much more beautiful way.

I am willing to entertain any theory because I trust that the Lord will lead me in the right direction; I trust that my background in the bible and my faith and trust are enough to give me an accurately discerning eye. I am not afraid of science or knowledge, I believe those things came from the Lord as well. His creations are indescribably complex and stunning, from the tiniest self sustaining cell to the grandest of canyons. It is a form of worship to constantly learn about and be in awe of his creation. I love to learn precisely because it makes me even more humble in the face of all He has done.

I find it offensive that this district doesn't allow for the study of pre-history, dinosaurs, fossils, etc...All that can be done without the "E" word if you like. Knowledge was created to learn; knowledge was created so that we could glorify the Lord and revel in this beautiful world and all in it. Why do we allow our students to risk looking ignorant? If we are truly not teaching them these things for a religious purpose, then why not instead teach them to defend their faith? "Because the Bible said so" won't get anyone anywhere in the academic world. How dare we pass on our fears to our kids! How dare we allow our kids to be blind sighted while we sit back and lay comfortably in our ignorance!

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Hobos and Hummingbirds

Someone should've told me that one should refrain from asking 8th graders serious questions about the world. In the midst of an Anne Frank unit, I had my kids keep diarys over topics that would change daily. They went from mundane to much more serious, just like Anne's diary. While I've got some brilliant kids, without the thunder of war outside their windows, serious writing baffles them. I asked what the world's biggest problem was today and I got (real answers here, people): Hobos, body odor, braces, prescription drugs-as a general pricipal, Jews, a lack of corporate office space, hummingbirds, The Gays, and fossils. One child told me that if it weren't for dinosaur fossils, then those "dang ignorunt scientists" wouldn't have gotten on a roll and discovered "all the other junk that idn't Christun." I was genuinely expecting disease, pollution, maybe some political answers thrown in for fun, but hummingbirds and hobos tripped me up. I also pondered upon my prodigies what one thing would benefit the world most today. Apparently Edward Cullen's image could cure cancer, a drinking age lowered to 8 would get everyone used to it and therefore no more drunk driving, new pink camo for our Armed Forces would strike fear in our enemies hearts, and controlling the gopher population would just be good news for everyone. I love my kiddos tremendously, and I believe in their abilities. I also believe that I'm a little afraid of the gopher-free world these children are creating for the rest of us.

First Steps and Last Kisses

Someone at the NEWSWEEK publication is on an alarmingly large amount of drugs. They have published a series of lists regarding the bests of the last decade- best movie moments, most important dates, etc...They have compiled a list of the top ten "Cultural Events" of the last ten years. On this list, they include such "events" as Michael Phelps, Lord of the Rings sweeping the Oscars, and Tina Fey dressing as Sarah Palin. Let me just clarify for you, readers, what "culture" is. Culture is the conglomeration of a society; our particular ways and means, language, religion, art, music, and so on. So, in theory, this list should be the top ten moments in the last ten years that define Americans as a unique, multi-faceted culture. The only thing this list says is : Hey guys! Americans are still 50 years behind y'all; don't wait up!." Did this country go through the family-shattering violence of Civil Rights movement to still be hung up on the race card? I didn't think so, but NEWSWEEK apparently does. I have some late breaking news, the elimination of racism isn't acknowedleging our difference, it's never seeing the differences to begin with. In my classroom, kids aren't black or white. They are kids. Halle Berry shouldn't be recieving praise for being a black woman winning an Oscar; she should be lauded because she's a great actress. Why isn't it a cultural moment when Kate Winslet wins? She's British, shouldn't be we all be jumping for joy that we Americans are so damn tolerant to let an English woman win? And don't even get me started on the complete ignorance of the author writing the "Passion of the Christ" entry. They need a good history teacher and a bible. Cultural moments should be times when our nation's fabric is changed; moments that are so profound that we write about them, sing about them, moments that inspire us to make culture. Michael Jackson dying may have changed the fabric of little boys living around NeverLand, but I think the rest of us remain unchanged. The man was a social outcast, mentally ill, and financially unstable; he hadn't produced anything relevant to society since he entertained us all by setting himself on fire during a Superbowl halftime show. The healthcare protests in Washington have been cultural moments. Moments when Americans have shown that they are still participants in their government, moments that show we still believe in our constitution and our history. Facebook becoming a communication phenomenon is a cultural moment; it is in a strange way reconnecting us with the ones we've lost, and in a stranger way revolutioning our vocabulary and the way we share what we love. The most cultural moment of our century, the moment that changed everything, was 9/11. Songs were written, opus' composed, novels scribed, hearts changed. Our fabric went from loosely woven and multi colored, to a tight knit red, white, and blue, at least for a little while. Our ways and means, all our practices, our words, our thoughts, our loves-everything changed. Our culture changed. NEWSWEEK doesn't get it. We don't walk around mourning the deaths of irrelevant celebrities, and spend all our time considering the careers of Halle Berry and Denzel Washington. We mourn the loss of those we love, at home and abroad; we spend all our time considering the the people in our lives, the joys we have, and the joys we don't. Our cultural moments are first steps, last kisses, easy days, hard wins, and everything in between. Maybe someone at NEWSWEEK should be writing about those.

Elitist Ice Cream

Unlike the few people I normally converse politically with, before today I didn't feel a burning desire to put Nair in Nancy Pelosi's shampoo, or rend her deaf because she's already dumb, or send her to an obscure Afgahni province where the native men have a penchant for old ladies enough "Anti Aging" foundation to cover the San Fran tranny population twice. Today I'm tempted to change my mind. In an attempt to, I'm sure, "humanize" Mrs. Pelosi, they've really just made her become more public about her elitist life style and arrogant attitude. I have no issue with what the woman eats or doesn't eat for breakfast, why it's even news baffles me further. My beef is with the copious hypocrisy everything in this article (and really magazine, because hey Al Gore is on the cover) represents.
The way I see modern liberalism is this: Those who call themselves "liberal" are most generally concerned with the health, welfare, and rights of those around them in universal, all men are inherently entitled and I'm-going-to-make-damn-sure-of-it-if-it-kills-you kinda way. Frankly, my view is that some people have made such disrepair of their lives, relationships, and finances that they assume such chaos is normal and everyone must be in need of the same kind of rescue they are. Some of us can actually pull ourselves up by our boot (or 3 inch peep toe red patent heel, thank you) straps and rely on only our God, our family, and ourselves to pick up the pieces. The way I see it, self proclaimed liberals want equality of opportunity and the right to choose whichever belief a person hold dear...unless it's the particular one they disagree with and then it's crap. Hypocrisy, party of 10 million.
Nancy Pelosi seems to fit my mold as well as she fits into her custom made Michael Kors, Prada, and Manolos. She wishes to legislate every woman's right to choose and grant that particular freedom, yet deny me the choice to believe that homosexuality is wrong. The woman eats ice cream for breakfast, yet won't let her staff take the elevators. She spouts fountains of welfare and free health care, gives my tax dollars away to every Jose, Amir, and Jamal (face the facts, the wide majority of those receiving government benefits that aren't seniors are minorities and immigrants, medicare.gov) and yet demands private jets, "elitist ice cream", and a staff to cater to her every need. Keep in mind, she's not on any committees, doesn't participate in debates on the floor, and doesn't vote on legislation. What part of her day exactly requires that she need a staff full of people to wait on her hand and foot? I'm on my feet 8-10 hours a day teaching the scourge of the earth (13 year olds) how to differentiate between transitive and intransitive verbs-someone get ME a bowl of chocolate ice cream!
You simply cannot espouse the ideas of liberalism, of giving chunks of what you earn in order to support the common good, yet sit around and eat "elitist ice cream". Shouldn't you be giving a third of that expensive ice cream to your staff? Not.how.it.works. If you believe it, you had better live it, especially if you're in the public eye., especially if you're Speaker of the freaking House of Representatives and third in command to control this country. Unless of course you believe you're in the upper echelon, and if that's true, you're a communist and last time I checked, the East Germans didn't get to eat chocolate ice cream. Correct yourself all you'd like, Madame Speaker, but I heard you loud and clear.
I hope you spill that ice cream all over your wool cashmere blend double breasted Chanel in winter white, and have to get the stain out YOURSELF!

http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/thegaggle/archive/2009/11/04/nancy-pelosi-eats-ice-cream-for-breakfast.aspx

http://www.newsweek.com/id/216862

There is a woman working in my school's front office whose sole charge is to root out and kick out those students who do not live in our district. It seems cruel, and I know she hates telling kids they can no longer be with their friends and teachers because Mommy and Daddy lied, but it has to be done. Our school is fed partly by property taxes of homes in our allotted school zoning area; if you live outside that zone, you can't possibly be contributing your fair share to your child's education. The less money we have as an educational institution, the fewer quality teachers we can hire, the less resources we have, and the quality of education we provide drops like the edge of the Marianas Trench. This is not only my district, every district in the State of Texas faces concerns of student residency qualifications. Why does one district make NEWSWEEK? Simply put, because they are trying to make a sob story out of it. Between the sappy picture, the Supreme court case, and the ALCU wannna-be lawyer, they are trying to make this a civil rights nightmare. Here's the thing, though. Civil Rights are for AMERICANS. The Bill of Rights is for AMERICANS. What part of Mexican Citizen is going misunderstood? The Supreme Court did in fact rule that illegal children have the right to attend school, but the implication is that they have to actually have a permanent home in the U.S.. They can be educated if they actually reside day to day in a certain school district, however Mexico, last time I checked, is not in any Texas school district. As for the argument that the border is being targeted, of course it is! Illegal Immigration is a huge, expensive, important issue that needs to be handled promptly and efficiently. If you go to the doctor with a systemic illness, the doctor first attempts to find the source of the problem. If there is a gaping wound in border patrol, such as this bridge the kids are walking over, let's treat the wound and close off the bridge. It's the first step to remedying this systemic illness of having of far too many illegal and potentially dangerous aliens. Furthermore, I have experienced in one way or another, 4 Texas school districts, all at least 500 miles from Del Rio and the Mexican border, and every one of those districts has an active policy to weed out non district resident students.Del Rio is no different than anywhere else in the state ,and shame on NEWSWEEK for biased reporting. I understand the importance of educating students; I do it presumably well on a daily basis. I have been through the system recently myself and know exactly what my kids are up against academically now and in their future. We as teachers, parents, and the community need all the resources we can muster to prepare our kids for what they are up against. Call me selfish or elitist or mean, but American kids need access to those things first. We need to take care of our own to ensure our continued existence as a nation. If we educate the rest of the world, and not our own children, then we are using our own resources to plot our own demise. We as a country are nothing without the educated few who step up to be our leaders, our teachers, and our voters. If I want to sob about something, it won't be this NEWSWEEK article, it will be the sad state of education and popular belief this country and it's pundits have fallen to. NEWSWEEK, take your tissues somewhere else.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/216862

I would honestly like to get into a cage match with every First Lady who has backed "No Child Left Behind" and other educational programs of the like. I am sick and tired, up to my elbows, and fed up every other metaphorical way I possibly can be with this educational system. One year and one month is all it has taken for this girl to see what a corrupt, self-serving, greedy, ignorant educational system we have. The processes, the methods, the ways and means, are, simply put, wrong. Children will always rise to our expectations, and our expectations are alarmingly low. They are being taught be English teachers with no English degrees, who have never read Shakespeare or Twain and cannot tell you the difference between good and well. The state, the government, wants the educators to indoctrinate kids on procedural literature and expository texts, but leave out the Hawthorne and Melville. I cannot and will not stand for that. Recently, I was severely chided when I "broke district policy" and required my students to read on their own individual level. Levels were determined by a well respected reading program that was both vocabulary and sentence complexity based. I didn't feel as if I was one to argue with the test, rather my job was to assure that the kids were pushing themselves instead of reading "Twilight" for the 22nd time. When the Language Arts TEKS change at the end of this year, students will be lucky to have read 4 novels by the time they get to 12th grade. Apparently, incompetency is the new trend in hiring. I want so badly for my students to read the classics, not only in order to pass the AP test but to be well rounded students who are prepared for college and life in general. It is a proven fact that frequent reading raises intelligence and builds neurons; reading physically makes your brain able to react faster and more effectively. Why are we shunning this so much? I am but one measly teacher; I cannot take on the state or the government and change educational laws. My option, if I wish to keep earning a paycheck, is to sit back, change my policies, lower my expectations, and keep my mouth shut. It's a bit like laying down and trying to hold your neck off the ground for an entire week-painful and damn near impossible. My expectations are high and it is my intent to push kids out of their comfort zone every day. If they are always sliding by, they will never learn anything. Maybe this is an issue that begins at home; too many kids are sqeaking by and not being held accountable for their actions and reactions. If I had shirked a responsibility growing up, there were serious and immediate consequences. I was taught to hold myself accountable for not only the things expected of me, but more importantly my own expectations. Maybe I should be ranting to parents who can't take the time to sit down with their kids and teach them how to be adults; maybe I should be talking to parents who believe that every experience a child should have must be positive. I would suggest to those parents to go buy a "Calvin and Hobbes" comic and promptly ask your child to do some hard labor; I imagine it would help.

I am but one measly teacher, but my love for my kids and investment in their future is not now, nor has it even been anything but tremendous. I want the best for those kids, and I give my heart every day making sure that's what I'm doing. I am being cut off at the knees, my efforts thwarted by elitist parents and the drones that work higher than me. It's suffocating and I don't know how much more air I will be able to gulp on my way down.