The Wedding Troll

The air is a-flurry with tulle and sparkly pearlescent fabric, excited noise buzzes through the crowd with a fevered intensity, the swoosh of fabric is constantly rustling by, and not so gentle sobbing can be heard behind the thin gray walls of a partitioned dressing room. Welcome to a bridal store, a land of dreams dashed against sharp, pointy rocks.
Brides enter excitedly, just darned sure that they will come across the perfect a-line, princess cut, ball gown, strapless, sweetheart neckline, antique lace and mother of pearl inset gown that they've dreamed of since The Little Mermaid came out on VHS. Most tow in a bevy of non-marrying women that range from the cynical spinster sister to the hung over college best friend that keeps complaining that all this white is making her itch. They bring the ooohers and the aaaahhers and a not-so-subtle bitter friend to be honest and tell them they look like a Vienna sausage dressed up for the Opera. 5 hissy fits, 2 tampons, and 3 emergency bulimia sessions later, we've found a winner, Vanna! The bride finds the gown that only needs a minor three grand and ten feet of fabric in alterations provided that she doesn't gain the liquor and cake weight that makes that honeymoon bikini really a honeyMOON for all of Cancun. Now it's off to the register with a stop along the way to reserve a place in the Welfare line. Maybe this is all a scheme concocted by those crazy Rooseveltian Socialists and Walt Disney to make the U.S. a Welfare state after all, but I digress. With alterations and shipping, the total comes to a measly 4500.00. Chump change, really. Just to think, Mom has been clearing out room to max out her credit cards for years for her little girl's big day. Everyone lives happily ever after, the bride gains the weight and has to be pinned in her dress, the bridesmaids get toasted and show everyone their supportive undergarments, Dad cries in the corner whilst tossing his 401k withdrawl receipt into the impressive fire fountain at the head table, and the groom tries to hide the hickey with makeup the maid of honor gave him before she left his room this morning.
Is it possible that I'm just a tad cynical on the issue? All the weddings I've been to have either been lovely or unique, never both though, and I've truly not been given a reason to detest the things so. Somewhere deep inside me lives a wedding troll that eats all the sweet, lacy little bride goats that try to cross the bridge to the greener grass. Now that it's time to plan mine, I need to tame the troll. Or at least get the thing something to play with (mean kittens, rotten children, Nancy Pelosi, etc...) to entertain itself in the meantime.
My biggest hang-up is the idea that all this money gets dished out for one silly day. Literally millions of dollars are thrown into a wedding industry that manipulatively pulls in young women into a sticky white satin and Svaroski crystal interlaced web before it pulverizes their insides and sucks the life right on out. Why is it necessary to give favors to guests? Aren't they there to give you presents? Why is it necessary to assign seats? I'm an OCD teacher (the only people on the planet who should be allowed to assign seats) and even I have no desire for that. When did a wedding become a momentous celebration of micromanaging and overspending? When did the American woman become so convinced that she needed a contrived, ubiquitous, and expensive as hell ceremony to be called a bride? Whatever happened to the backyard wedding and tin cans tied on the getaway car? I could genuinely go into a manifesto here about entitlement, the Disney complex, and the huge dearth of personal responsibility in my generation of particularly women, but I won't. Mostly because I'd tick off some people that I may need on my side.
I don't want to be expected to have place cards, and save the dates, and a dress worth more than my car in order to have a "great" wedding. My theory on life is that Grace and Mercy are the two things we don't deserve, that we can't work towards, but we should freely ask of anyway. Everything else should be worked for. Family, a home, material possessions and overall happiness are the result of hard work, hard prayer, and moderation. If it comes time for a wedding and you don't have the cash, there is no law that says you deserve it anyway. No one should have to go out of their way to pay for the dream that you can't afford. Our parents raise us, they shouldn't be liable for a balloon payment at the end of the contract, nor should we be asking our husband-to-be's family to pitch in where the missing links are. In most cases with marrying young women, we deserve what we can afford. I work hard, but I haven't saved anything because of circumstances beyond my control, but none of that entitles me to a wedding for which someone else will have to pay. That's a tough pill to swallow, but it's the truth.
So what's a poor girl to do? I'm still working on that, but it won't involve a bridal store, a credit card, a 401k, or a bank loan. It will involve, however, being gracious enough to receive help, humble enough to remember my roots, and smart enough to remember that it's the marriage that counts, not the wedding.

And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs...

A riddle: A certain scientist, Dr. Howell, was approached by a colleague regarding a seemingly ancient cave painting in rural France. Upon inquiry, the colleague tells Dr. Howell that the paintings are only recently uncovered by him and his team, and he would like to buy the land from the poor farmer and then turn a huge profit from the tourist revenue. The colleague then asked Dr. Howell if he wanted in on the deal. Dr. Howell demands pictures of the site. A few days go by, and Dr. Howell finally receives said pictures in the mail. They are vivid red and yellow with ancient looking traces of soot and ash. They depict a human figure fighting a woolly rhinoceros and a carnivorous looking dinosaur. Dr. Howell immediately turns down the offer to buy in on the farm and calls his colleague a scam artist. How did Dr. Howell so quickly know they were fake?

Answer: Humans and dinosaurs didn't exist at the same time, and before 1900 civilization had no real grasp of dinosaurs, much less accurate knowledge of what they looked like.

My kids were astounded by this answer and demanded a recount. Humans and dinosaurs did exist simultaneously they insisted! I sat back confounded as they regaled me about Adam and Eve fighting dinosaurs, plesiosaurs swimming aside the Ark, and a motley crue of prehistoric mammals that sound like Ray Romano and Dennis Leary helping a mother T-Rex and her babies get back under the ice! I wondered to myself if these kids were being funny or being serious as a raptor attack! Turns out, it was a raptor attack. No science class, no history class, no well meaning teacher who had to leave a movie for a sub had explained pre-history to these children. They had lived entire lives believing that cave men ate brontosaurus for breakfast and got eaten by T-Rexs like that guy in the porta potty in Jurassic Park. I did what I could to compress 200 million years of history into about 200 seconds. Dinosaurs, big boom, furry things survive, mammals (not named Scrat), homo ergastr, homo heidelbergensis, humans. I avoided that "E" word because I like my job and we continued on with class.

As most teachers do, when lunch arrived I went to go wax poetic about my darlings in the teacher's lounge. I began my anecdote about my kids' ignorance when suddenly, I was stopped cold by a science teacher. She graciously informed me that the in the school district in which I currently work, geological time is not taught at any level by any one. She said dinosaurs were too controversial, and she would be fired on the spot for such blaspheming. Really? Really, really? So these children are PURPOSEFULLY left in ignorance?

I'm a Christian through and through. I believe the Bible is God's true word, Jesus Christ is my savior, my Father, and my best friend. I believe that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. I don't put barriers or boundaries on what my God can do, nor what he has done. I don't for a second believe that I know history as is really happened, nor do I think the Bible is a literal document. The Jews have been using numerology since before the time of Christ. 40 years in the desert meant to the Hebrew speaking world "a really freaking long time." Why must modern Christians believe that they are entitled to know exactly what happened in the beginning of time and everything since then? Why is it so hard to accept that maybe things didn't happen exactly as we have it translated in the NIV bible? Why can't we see that time is a construct of man? Why can't we admit that God in all in all his sovereignty does not operate on our time or within our boundaries? Why does the Bible need to be perfectly literal? Like all great pieces of literature, it contains allegories, metaphors, symbols, deep seated themes, and mysteries. Great authors never come right out and tell you, they use their art to communicate in a much more beautiful way.

I am willing to entertain any theory because I trust that the Lord will lead me in the right direction; I trust that my background in the bible and my faith and trust are enough to give me an accurately discerning eye. I am not afraid of science or knowledge, I believe those things came from the Lord as well. His creations are indescribably complex and stunning, from the tiniest self sustaining cell to the grandest of canyons. It is a form of worship to constantly learn about and be in awe of his creation. I love to learn precisely because it makes me even more humble in the face of all He has done.

I find it offensive that this district doesn't allow for the study of pre-history, dinosaurs, fossils, etc...All that can be done without the "E" word if you like. Knowledge was created to learn; knowledge was created so that we could glorify the Lord and revel in this beautiful world and all in it. Why do we allow our students to risk looking ignorant? If we are truly not teaching them these things for a religious purpose, then why not instead teach them to defend their faith? "Because the Bible said so" won't get anyone anywhere in the academic world. How dare we pass on our fears to our kids! How dare we allow our kids to be blind sighted while we sit back and lay comfortably in our ignorance!

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7